Waiting on our little one....

 Pregnancy Ticker

Monday, July 6, 2009

The sad part is....

I'm so excited about everything I have coming up. I am so blessed to be one of the lucky people who has found "the one" to spend the rest of my life with. BUT I never thought I would be walking down the aisle without my Daddy. That's a lot of the reason that we're going away & getting married alone. It's easier that Daddy's not there, if noone is there. I bought a locket that I attached to my bouquet. Inside it, I placed my favorite picture ever taken... one of my Daddy holding Rylee on the beach. Rylee was about 3 years old and has the biggest smile. And my sweet, handsome Daddy is grinning b/c he's at his favorite place holding one of his favorite girls. Their beautiful blue eyes match the sky. So that's my way of having them both there to walk me down the aisle.

Also, I let Rylee choose my "something borrowed" for me to wear. Sweet angel that she is, she chose for me to wear a heart pendant that my Daddy gave to her not long before we found out he was sick. It was the last gift that he gave her. She thought that was the "perfect" thing for me. I couldn't agree more. So, my bridal jewelry may not be what one would typically see, but it's more beautiful and special than any other I could imagine.

I'm also having a hard time with the fact that our baby would have been due a couple of weeks ago. I don't know how to explain the empty feeling that I still have inside. I think of my sweet angel every day. And I can't help but continue to blame myself for the fact that he's not here. I know that this was God's plan and He has a reason for it. But that doesn't feel that empty feeling that I have. To never see or hold or kiss or smell that perfect little one created with the person I love more than I ever imagined possible..... well, it just causes a void that I can't explain. And to lose my baby and my Daddy within a week, is just more than one person should ever have to endure. We are planning on getting pregnant soon. But, nothing can ever replace our first baby. Mommy loves you, my sweet angel!! Kiss your Papa for me.

One of the many reasons I love Dwight so much is the way he paints the picture of the two of them in Heaven and of their love surrounding me every time I get upset about them being gone. He's had to pull me out of that abyss so many times. I have a feeling I don't thank him enough for that.

I know that so many happy times are just around the corner, but I just don't think that this pain and sadness will ever go away.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

My future's so bright.....

I haven't had the chance (or required technology) to post in quite some time, so here's a little update...

Rylee and I are beginning to adjust to the country life in Butler. I'm actually kind of loving it. I think it's just because I get to see Dwight every day. I always told him that I could be happy in a Turkish prison with him. I think that may be true. I'm so excited about the life that we are building together. The girls are getting along so well and Madison and I are creating our own secial bond. I'm loving the time I am able to send with his family. I'm so blessed to be a part of it.

We found a house that we love and should be closing the week before we leave for Jamaica. I go to sleep at night planning and decorating in my mind.

Speaking of Jamaica.... we leave in 2 weeks!!! I can't believe it's is finally here. I have bought everything on my list except for a case for my new camera that Dwight just bought me. And new swim trunks for him. I really tried to talk him into the bikini thongs with "Papi" written on the waistband, but it was a no go. I think we may have found a new nickname for him at least.

As for the wedding.... I THINK I have it all planned the way I want it. I haven't had to do much at all, just a few little extra touches I wanted here and there. It's so much easier than planning the traditional wedding!! I'm just so excited about becoming Mrs. Dean!!! I can't even begin to explain how it feels. Of course, I'm scared to death to completely hand my heart over to someone. But honestly, for the first time in my entire life, it feels like the most "right" thing I've ever done. It's amazing to me that I still fall more in love with him every day... even when he drives me crazy. I couldn't possibly be more excited about our future together!!!

Tuesday, my grandfather has to have surgery. I'm so scared, for obvious reasons. But, I know the Lord will take care of him and he will be much better soon!

I have so many exciting things coming up!! I'll post more as soon as I can!!